Kylene Terhune joins me once again for this episode. This time, she talks about sexual betrayal trauma. She shares the importance of processing emotions in trauma and explains how trauma impacts the nervous system and leads to symptoms and disease. She also gets into what the healing process for sex addiction and betrayal for couples looks like and the pitfalls to be avoided.
The compilation of things that happen with pornography, technology, and addiction:
- The prevalence of pornography is increasing tremendously.
- Access to pornography is becoming easier.
- Technology has addictive qualities.
- Pornography gives people a dopamine hit.
- Children get exposed to pornography before the pre-frontal cortex has developed fully, and trauma is typically involved.
- For those who had trauma in their childhood, early exposure to pornography is more likely to cause an addiction.
Listen to the Episode
“If you are seeing your husband is going through the recovery process, and you’re over here not healing your emotional wounds and the trauma that was inflicted because of the betrayal, that causes a huge dynamic shift in the relationship and it’s usually not good. There’s a lot of bitterness and anger, and power dynamics become an issue. It’s not a fun relationship at that point.”
– Kylene Terhune
About Kylee Terhune:
Kylene Terhune is the CEO & Founder of the Phoenix Transformation Project, where she works as a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner and NLP life coach supporting women who have experienced sexual betrayal trauma.
She helps her clients with a unique, whole-body approach that involves the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of the individual.
This work includes functional lab work, nutrition, lifestyle, emotional work, nervous system support, trauma processing work, and more to assist women in feeling more complete, grounded, safe, independent, and confident in their health and their bodies.
As a successful functional health coach for 6 years, Kylene has received additional education in trauma and its impact on the body through the Trauma Healing Accelerated courses: Biology of trauma, Energy, Overwhelm and Freeze, Biology of Trauma Brain Health, and the Biology of Trauma Immune system.
She also has certifications in NLP, NLP life coaching, QTT, and hypnosis.
“37% of men in the church view porn at least several times a week. It’s a little higher in a non-faith-based community, but in a Christian community, that’s a pretty high statistic!”
– Kylene Terhune
In This Episode
In this episode:
- Why it’s essential to see a therapist if you have been sexually betrayed and choose to stay in your relationship. (7:38)
- Some surprising statistics about sex addiction and betrayal trauma. (10:27)
- How betrayal trauma impacts 75% of the women who go through it. (12:50)
- How betrayal impacts our health and nervous system. (14:28)
- Why establishing safety is important. (15:35)
- What happens when you cannot get to safety? (15:55)
- How safety can be established. (17:39)
- Why setting boundaries is essential. (23:25)
- What the recovery process for a man looks like. (27:51)
- A breakdown of the EMDR and subconscious reprogramming trauma processing methods. (30:14) (32:15)
- How recovery is possible. (41:16)
Links & Resources
Kylene Terhune Media Links:
Relative Links for This Show:
Free gift: https://mailchi.mp/2e8ade60994f/ebook
CSAT or APSAT therapy: https://iitap.com/page/csat
www.puredesire.org CONQUER program
Book a call with Kylene: https://p.bttr.to/3ttk0Ql
What’s next course: https://mybalancedbiome.life/whats-next
Link to the Debi Silber’s episode
Follow Your Longevity Blueprint
Kylene Terhune 0:00
For 37% of men in the church view, or at least several times a week is a little higher in a non faith based community but in the Christian community as a pretty high statistic
Dr. Stephanie Gray 0:16
Welcome to the Your Longevity Blueprint Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Stephanie Gray. My number one goal with the show is to help you discover your personalized plan to build your dream health and live a longer, happier, truly healthier life. You're about to hear from Kylene Terhune. Her name may sound familiar as I had her on Season One early in Episode Five from Hodgkins to help maker where she shared how she integrated conventional and natural treatments for her cancer. Since that time, she has dealt with more trauma, something many of you may not have heard of before specifically sexual betrayal trauma, and she's back on the show today to share this journey. Today she'll share the importance of processing emotions and trauma how trauma impacts the nervous system leading to symptoms and disease, the healing process for sex addiction and betrayal for couples and ultimately what this looks like and what the pitfalls to avoid are. Let's get started
Welcome to another episode of The your longevity blueprint podcast. today. My guest is Kaylene Terhune, who is the CEO and founder of the Phoenix Transformation Project, where she works as a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition practitioner and NLP life coach supporting women who have experienced sexual betrayal trauma, she helps her clients with a unique whole body approach that involves the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspect of the individual. This work includes functional lab work nutrition, lifestyle, emotional work, nervous systems support trauma processing work and more to assist them and in feeling more complete, grounded, safe, independent and confident in their health and in their bodies. As a successful functional health coach for six years Kaylene has received additional education in trauma and its impact on the body through the trauma healing accelerated courses, biology of trauma, energy, overwhelming freeze biology of trauma, brain health and the biology of trauma immune system. She also has certifications in NLP, NLP life coaching Q TT and hypnosis. Welcome to the show. Kylene.
Kylene Terhune 2:03
Thank you, Stephanie, I love you so much. And I'm just so excited to be here. And I appreciate it. On the
Dr. Stephanie Gray 2:08
intro to today's show, I shared how I previously interviewed you regarding your cancer journey. And since that time, you've had another journey. So you're kind of an open book, which I so appreciate. And you share with us what has happened since the last time we spoke and this new journey you're on?
Kylene Terhune 2:24
Yeah, my life in my business because of that keeps evolving, right? So in 2021, early 2021, it was like January 31, I began the discovery process, finding out that my husband at the time, we were married about eight years, and we've been together about 10 that he had a cyber sex addiction that was over a decade old. So it had started before we got married, I had no idea. I had asked him questions about pornography. And we had, you know, very open conversations throughout our relationship about infidelity, and Warren and all this kind of stuff. And he was just as many addicts are very, very good at hiding it. And the thing was, was cyber sex and pornography and stuff, these are high functioning addicts, meaning there really is truly no way that you would know if they don't want you to know, that was a really life changing day where I basically, a lot of people don't know how it happened. I basically we were up that morning thinking we're gonna budget, this is going to be great. We're gonna cancel our recurring fees, you know, there's gonna be so good. Well, he had very kindly, you know, as I assume, printed out all of our expenditures from the credit card statements. So I didn't actually have to go in and look at the credit card. And I'm thinking, Oh, this is so nice. You know, it's all organized. And we're going and we are we're checking off all these recurring fees, and we don't need this, Hey, we don't need this is so great, you know. And then I found one that I knew about, it was like a fitness app. And I just couldn't figure out how to cancel the monthly membership. And because it was an app, I thought, Well, maybe it's you know, we you purchase it through your phone, App Store or whatever. So I said, Hey, give me your phone, we go in check. Well, if you scroll down and purchase apps that were previously purchased, and deleted apps that I could tell were not appropriate. And so that really started the conversation. And of course, that in the beginning, he was very much in denial, didn't want to tell me the truth, or the whole truth, really tried not to let on but his stress response was very interesting, because I was like, this is not, not the stress response to someone telling the truth, his heart was beating really hard. I could just tell that he was extremely stressed when I found this and talked to him about that. And he goes, Well, you know, I just I don't want you to think that I would ever do anything like that because I know how you feel about it. And I know what that means to you. And I would never want to be accused of something that I didn't do in that area. And you know, so all these lies within the next 24 to 48 hours he actually started confessing so this is something that he had really struggled with for a long time. He He had tried many times on his own to quit. He felt very convicted within the first two to three days started coming out. Then I went into a major detective and you know, kind of lawyer mode was asking him all the questions, millions of questions probably at that point, we were essentially locked in a room for about two to three days while I was just figuring out what the heck is going on. Because at that point, and any woman that has ever been through this will understand, you wake up one morning and find out you're you're essentially living The Truman Show, you know, you go, this is not my life, the life that I've been living, it's not reality, the marriage I was in the relationship I was in, you look back at pictures, you go where you cheating on me that day, did you cheat on me that day did you know that was really hard, I had a friend that was had gone through something similar. So it was very soon into it, like maybe two days, before I had 100% the information, I was just getting pieces at that time. Even with that I reached out to her, and she pointed me in the right direction. And you kind of as I mentioned, before we started recording, there's a very clear path to healing. And that's not talked about enough. And so I was so thankful, I am so thankful that she had talked to me before this happened, because she kind of started guiding me immediately with into the right resources. So then my husband got into a support group week one, literally week one. And then he was in trauma therapy for sex addiction. Week two,
Dr. Stephanie Gray 6:23
how did you find that? I mean, how did you you knew where to put him? How did I just feel like for listeners, I It's so hard to even get into a therapist period right now, like half of I have a waiting list, which is another problem. And we
Kylene Terhune 6:34
know you're right. And I will say to the type of therapy is called CSAT, certified sex addiction therapist, and there aren't a lot of them, and there aren't a lot of them in every area. And then if you find one, they're not always going to fit in with your maybe if you have a faith background, or all the belief systems. And so it is hard, because what I found is that just because you have that certification doesn't mean you're the best therapist for this person. And that's really unfortunate, because there's already not enough of them. But the type of therapy that he went to me was a C's that we were very lucky because we have a place that's about 45 minutes away from us, that has several seat stacks, and they do different trauma modalities as well like EMDR brainspotting. And so we were incredibly blessed that my husband got paired with the therapist that he got paired with, because he is absolutely so smart and compassionate and kind and just honestly for my husband, the perfect person. But then a few months into it, then I got into seek out therapy, and EMDR and trauma therapy and all that kind of stuff, too. So we both jumped in, I was a little delay, you know, because in the beginning, I was like, Hey, man, this is this is your problem, screw you. But that's the thing with the wives too. And I really want to talk about that is when this happens if you choose to stay in your relationship. And honestly, even if you don't, because the trauma has been experienced, it needs to be processed. But particularly if you stay in this relationship, the spouse is really do they you have to get the trauma dealt. But you have to if you are seeing that your husband is doing all the work and you're staying in that relationship, and he's going through the recovery process. And then you're over here not healing your emotional wounds and the trauma that was inflicted because of his betrayal. That causes a huge dynamic shift in the relationship. And it's it's usually not good. There's a lot of resentment, there's a lot of bitterness, there's a lot of anger, there's a lot of power dynamics, that become an issue. It's not fun relationship. At that point.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 8:30
I think I cut you off too, because you said week one, you were doing something week two, you're in therapy. And So
Kylene Terhune 8:35
week one, my husband got into a support group. And again, we were really lucky because there's a group that we absolutely love called conquer. And it is a combination of a faith based and therapeutic approach. And that's one of the things that I think is just really amazing about that program. Because a lot of times you find them very separate, right you find a therapeutic approach, or you know, a lot of people will go to like their pastor or biblical counselor, people that have absolutely no training in sex addiction, or betrayal or trauma. And sometimes, unfortunately, a lot of the time, you'll end up getting hurtful or unhelpful advice from those situations. And so the Conquer program, which is a I believe it's a 10 week support group program for these men goes through the clinical, the therapeutical stuff so that they understand, hey, you do have to deal with your trauma, you have to start identifying your emotions. Here's what happens to your Brain on Porn. It looks worse than a brain on heroin. Like literally if you look at it damages your brain. So it teaches them all these things that helps them take personal responsibility for their behavior helps them make amends. It does all these really cool things and has the faith based combination with as well. So they're they're journaling every day and they have Bible verses that go with it. It's just a really great combination. And that's under pure desire ministries who does a lot of that work and they have different programs as well but We were lucky for us in that week one, and he's repeated that multiple times. And then now he is in a group for himself, he also leads to groups as well.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 10:10
Awesome, thank you for those resources, I will the listeners post links to those in the show notes I'll make sure to get. So tell us some surprising statistics about sex addiction, and betrayal trauma.
Kylene Terhune 10:20
So this is really, you know, one of the hardest things is how prevalent it is. And we live in a society that likes to be happily in denial about this, I think, especially in the Christian community, unfortunately. And when I started discovering, first of all, my husband, whose last person, and I mean, literally anybody that knows them, you never in a million years would have guessed that this person had a sex addiction. I mean, just absolutely crazy. And so when I started learning about this whole world, the statistics really blew me away. So 37% of men in the church view, or at least several times a week, is a little higher in a non faith based community, but in the Christian community is a pretty I mean, it's a pretty high statistic.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 11:06
And I bet it's higher than that, because those are probably reported statistics. Exactly. So that's probably higher than that. Yeah.
Kylene Terhune 11:13
When you add in pastors and sort of the just the general population is about 50% of them and some level of a problem, whether it's, you know, once a month, or however long, only about 7% of churches have resources in place, though, help these people. And this doesn't happen. People point this out to me all the time to you, it does happen with women as well, there are women sex addicts out there, there are women that look at pornography, it is just a less, it's a less intense percentage, it's much smaller, 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to pornography before 18 and 14% of boys and 9% of girls before the age of 13, and that those numbers are kind of old. So those are actually the ages are getting younger and younger. So boys are being exposed now like 910 11 years old, easily, easily at that age, part of what you have to understand about pornography and technology and addiction is this is like a compilation of things is happening here, the prevalence of it is increasing tremendously. The ease of access because of technology is so much easier. technology itself has addictive qualities to it. Pornography gives you a dopamine hit, and you're getting exposed to it at an age before your prefrontal cortex is fully developed. And so they are getting exposed, there's typically trauma involved. So if there is an addiction, the the prevalence of addiction is directly correlated to the prevalence of trauma in someone's life, versus someone just choosing to do it or being able to stop, etc. So if someone has a lot of trauma in their childhood, then they're much more likely with this early exposure to develop an addiction. And then with betrayal, trauma of one of the most shocking statistics that I think people don't recognize about this is a 70% of women that discover this in their relationships, this level of betrayal, end up with PTSD, like symptoms. So they're having trouble sleeping, they're having intrusive thoughts, or having hyper vigilance or having extreme anxiety. They're having all of these emotions. And you know, women that go through this, they equate the emotional despair with physical affairs. And in my mind, there is no difference. I think if you, you know, choose sexual arousal outside of your marriage, you're having an affair, it doesn't matter if there's a screen in between you or not. It you know, it's the same thing.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 13:31
I was telling you before we started recording that this is interesting, because yesterday, I had a female patient who had been married for 50 years, who broke down in tears, unfortunately, during her office does it sharing that her husband, I mean, she had felt betrayed, her husband had an emotional affair. And, you know, I'm sitting there thinking, Oh, my goodness, what resources can I give her and I gave her the post betrayal Institute. I think it's called PBT Institute, for from a former guest, Debbie silver I had on the show. But other than that, I'm thinking, what resources do these patients have? And how do providers handle these situations? And so I'm really glad that you are, you know, bringing this to the table today. But my next question to you was, how does betrayal impact the nervous system? And you kind of just answered that question, which is similar to how she was complaining of symptoms yesterday, having the insomnia having the anxiety, right, almost to the point where she needed some medication. And so let's stay on that for a moment here. So how does betrayal impact our health?
Kylene Terhune 14:23
Like I mentioned earlier, where you kind of wake up and realize your life isn't what you thought, one of the reasons that women that go through betrayal that have experienced other traumas, lump betrayal in such an intent at such an intense level, is because it coming from the person that you trusted most right? You're the most vulnerable with this person. You share your body with this person. You share your fears and your insecurities and your life goals with this person, right? There's nobody on earth that you are as intimate with as you are this person and this person that you trust the most. Just rip to the rug underneath you with your nervous system. Basically what happens is you immediately go into Fight or Flight into sympathetic, this is a highly activated system that is highly energy dependent. And it takes up a ton of nutrients when you're living in the system. And really, you have two options at this point, you can either get to safety and you're actually living with somebody that your brain is now viewing as dangerous. So part of the healing process is establishing safety. I talk about this all the time, I guess I kind of harp on it. But establishing safety is incredibly important. And that can be done in a couple of ways. I'm happy to go into that. But it has to be done as the foundation of recovery because of your nervous system. When your nervous system is in fight or flight, you can either get to safety, which is what it's constantly seeking, so that it can get back into parasympathetic so it can calm down, that's where healing can occur. Or when you can't get to safety, let's say your husband continues to relapse, or you're not able to set boundaries, or you know, just the whatever's happening, there's not safety and you're continually in this fight or flight, then you can drop down into the other part of your nervous system, which is the freeze and overwhelm. And so a lot of women will find that they are rotating between the overwhelm and the sympathetic state. And so they're experiencing anxiety, they're experiencing depression, we get into overwhelm. That is your body's version of really trying to rescue you to save you to reserve energy, because the sympathetic is so energy dependent, and it takes up so much of your reserves. So you can't live up there, you physically cannot stay there permanently. So then your body will drop you down into overwhelm, so that it can save what it needs to protect you. And but unfortunately, that feels like freeze, it feels like overwhelm feels like depression, everything feels hard dinner feels overwhelming, I don't want to get out of bed today. You know, that is your body trying to protect you. But it's also not fun. And so a lot of women will find themselves rotating between these two, sometimes multiple times during the day or during the weeks or during the months, as they begin to process all this. When safety is established, you can then kind of go between parasympathetic and sympathetic, depending on what's going on. But the safety, that foundation is absolutely crucial. It's really non negotiable, if you want to get the healing process and through recovery.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 17:06
So how do they establish safety? I mean, that was literally my next question for you is what's the healing process for a woman who has been betrayed? Because you said there's this clear process to healing? So please tell us? How do they establish safety? That's step one.
Kylene Terhune 17:21
Yeah. So safety involves quite a few things. But part of that is dependent on your spouse, right? So if they are constantly relapsing that's constantly going to trigger you, and really kind of taking the time to set boundaries around that. So they can play a huge role in this. So men that want to recover can recover. And I want to say this very clearly, because it is not talked about enough. And I know that people, there are people that disagree with me, but I don't really care. It's possible to recover without a relapse. And the way I think that's possible, first of all, my husband did it. And lots of other men have done it. But the way that that is possible, is that their heart is is truly wanting recovery. And they have the tools and resources and they they use them. Those are apps, if you have the combination of those things, you can absolutely recover without relapsing. If someone does relapse, you know, sometimes that's the bottom that that guy has to hit in order to finally get into to recovery. But if if that does happen, you have to use it as a stepping stone what what triggered this? What was my pattern? How can I learn from this? I don't repeat this, you know, that sort of thing. But I want to be very clear, because I don't I think empowerment, and how you speak to your subconscious through this process is incredibly important. If you don't believe that you can recover that relapse, guess what you're going to relapse, because it's the pattern that your brain is used to. And it's what it's used to going to to self medicate the trauma. But if you tell yourself, Hey, I know that there are steps to healing and I can actually get into recovery. And I don't have to relapse, all I have to do is learn how to manage my emotions. Oh, by the way, feeling anxiety is totally okay. It's part of life, and expect that through the process. Here's the steps, you know, I need to go to trauma therapy, I need to actually start processing all these traumas that got me into this, I need to understand the pattern of behavior that got me into this, I need to understand the emotions that I'm self medicating when they do this. And then they get into a support group and they're being honest, they're being vulnerable. They're being intentional. They're doing their homework, you don't have to relax. And so it's really a matter of being willing to feel the pain that it takes to process the trauma. That is huge. And that's probably one of the biggest things that I see addicts and betrayed spouses not wanting to do because that hurts. And we're already in a lot of pain. So that doesn't sound fun to us.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 19:36
Yep. So do these. I don't even know if I'm saying this right. Betrayal trauma specialist help them with that.
Kylene Terhune 19:43
Some do yes. So let's step into how to heal through the betrayed spouse and often answer that question. For the man you're you're doing trauma therapy, emotional processing, you're getting into community because community is the opposite of addiction. They're reaching out to their community and they're doing the work those that's how you can get into recovery and in their heart has to be in the right place.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 20:03
Like I said, that community is the opposite of addiction as good. Yeah,
Kylene Terhune 20:06
it really is. So for women, for the betrayed spouse, the healing process is actually very similar. You have to process and deal with your own emotions and your own trauma as well. So that is a very uncomfortable process. Now, if you're like me, you had complex trauma, and you had a lot of stuff that you brought into the relationship, that then when this happened, it brought up all the trauma, debris, and anything that was not fully processed, also came up through this and exacerbated it and made it more painful. That can be a lot for somebody to deal with. For other women, maybe this, this is the primary event in your life, this is the biggest trauma you've experienced, it's unlike anything else that you've experienced. And you stop the process, that it's bringing up its own new beliefs you create, you create limiting beliefs about yourself, a lot of women in these situations, create beliefs about, you know, I'm not worthy, I'm not beautiful enough, you know, all these different things, my fault, you know, whatever it is, which is not, by the way, I want to make that very clear that anyone that is married to an addict, you have no responsibility, they're responsible for their own behavior. I don't I really, it doesn't matter. If you had a, you know, let's say contentious relationship before or if you have perfect relationship, or if you are the most beautiful woman, it doesn't matter, because addiction is based on trauma. And that's nothing to do with you. Not the
Dr. Stephanie Gray 21:23
I'm glad you said that. Because this patient yesterday that I've referred to previously, part of her, you know, challenge right now is that her husband is blaming her got us, he said, you know, you weren't fulfilling a need for me. And so then she's saying, so he's saying it's my fault that I have a role in this. And you know, he's questioning. So preach to those women.
Kylene Terhune 21:42
Yeah, very common, because in my first marriage, so I've been married and cheated on it divorced, and I've been married and cheated on and I've stayed, and there, there's a reason for that. They're two very different relationships are two very different human beings. And they're two very different responses to their behavior. And in my first marriage, it was all my fault. And this one, my husband took full responsibility and said, No, absolutely had nothing to do you have this? So yeah, so for the woman, the foundation of healing, like I said, is creating that safety, it's an absolute must. And she can do this in a few ways. Her husband plays a big role, because he's gonna blow up the foundation constantly, if he is relaxing, right? Like, that's gonna hurt. But we can't control them, right, we have no control over what they do whatsoever. So what can we do to provide safety in our own in our own life? Well, that involves being brave and setting boundaries. And this is really hard. For a lot of women, I talk about boundaries a lot, because they're incredibly important. And here's the thing about boundaries, I think a lot of women don't understand, they can actually play a huge role in your husband's recovery, because they need boundaries. And it's very uncomfortable to be a parent to your husband, but they're an addict. And they need that temporarily. Some boundaries that may, that you may set may have to do around physical affection, and intimacy and sex, you don't want to be overriding your nervous system if you're viewing this person as unsafe, right. And if you don't want to have sex with someone, you don't want to do it because you think that they will relapse if you don't, that's, that's not true. Okay. And if they're making you believe that that's not true, they're relapsing for another reason. It's not because you're not giving them sex. So some of them in having sex with their partner during this process, and some aren't. And you kind of have to make that decision on your own, there is a 90 day sobriety, abstinence recommendation, I highly recommend that for the man. Because, you know, if the brain patterns, you want to disrupt the pattern, and you want to get the rush of chemicals to be done, you want to kind of start resetting his his neural pathways and all these kinds of things. Plus, it gives him the confidence after decades of addiction behavior, that he can have self control and choose another path. When a guy gets through the 90 days of sobriety, after decades of addiction, it's incredibly empowering for him, you don't want to take that way. Sometimes women are want to be so nice to their partner, right? They love their partner, it's me, it's not pornography, right? But that 90 days can be a really, really important part of their recovery. And so I highly recommend it. Everybody asked me their own decision on that, but I do highly recommend it. So establishing safety includes supporting your own nervous system. So you can do that with some somatic work, you can do that with working with practitioners, I recommend highly getting into trauma therapy and group support for the women as well. So it's like I said, it's a very similar process. And then you over the first I don't know, six months or so you're kind of watching to see what happens with your husband. Is he sincere about this? And is this going to be a real recovery process? Is the trajectory moving in the direction we want to? Or what's that look like? And here's, here's the deal with with these guys, they will make it very clear. They're either on board or they're not on board, and you have to trust their behavior. And that's not their words, you have to trust their behavior, and they're going to demonstrate pretty quickly if they're willing to do the work that it takes to establish trust. So if you have somebody that is gaslighting you blaming you or manipulating you, they're not willing to go to therapy for their behavior and they're not willing, you know that that really tells you a clear a clear story. Versus if you have somebody that says no, this is my issue, I'm willing to work on it, I take responsibility for it. Recovery really starts looking like a lot of empathy, a lot of compassion, a lot proactive work, this isn't gonna happen, like the first couple of days, right? Because addict brain is a real thing. There's a lot of denial and lying and stuff. But But as they kind of come out of that, through this process, it'll become very clear very quickly, which path you're on to kind of already mentioned, what recovery looks like, well, actually,
Dr. Stephanie Gray 25:37
let's break this down. You've just dropped so much on us, you, you sound like you've kind of gone through this 10 years ago, you just sound so experienced since. But you're right, you've had the right tools to help you get to this point. And I feel like you got to this point rather quickly, quite frankly, by her. But let me go back and just have you clarify. So the healing process for a woman versus a man. So for a woman, you're saying, set boundaries, establish safety, get in therapy, trauma therapy, any other major points there, get into a support group
Kylene Terhune 26:08
really important. And then for the validate your experience and bring that the world really doesn't understand how you feel. It's just people can have compassion, they're empathetic people that can have compassion and be fine. But if you haven't experienced it, there's just it's just don't know what you're saying. Yeah.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 26:26
And then parallel to that for a man, very similar. But can you outline those real quickly? Again, whatever process for a man Yeah, what that looks like?
Kylene Terhune 26:35
Yeah, yeah. So for him, it's a lot of the same. It's trauma therapy with the CSAT. Specifically, no, I always for both parties. For the male and the female, I always recommend working with practitioners that have trauma modalities, in addition to talk therapy. So that is a huge thing I talked about whether it's EMDR brain spotting what I do, which is subconscious reprogramming, all that kind of stuff, the point let's go there, to get to to use exercises that help your brain process the trauma, outside of talking about really important. So for both parties, you're going to trauma therapy, you're going to support a group. For the guy, he is learning how to identify his emotions, he's learning different coping mechanisms, healthy coping mechanisms. And he has has a community now to reach out these identify the pattern of behavior, so that he can be proactive about it. So for what I mean by that is a lot of them self medicate, before they actually feel anxiety, right? Well, through this process, they're going to start feeling anxiety and fear and insecurity and all these things that they've been self medicating. So they need to start identifying that so that when they feel those, what do they do, they reach out to their support group, and they are proactive instead of reactive. There's something called a faster scale where they can actually check off how they're feeling every single day. And the reason this is important, is because if they dropped down on the emotional scale, and they stay there, it's predictive of a relapse up to two weeks in advance. So the reason that's important is because if you drop down, you're proactive and you get the support, you start processing it. It's the opposite. You're being proactive about saying no recovery, even if at that date, you don't feel triggered to relapse. Sure.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 28:14
Awesome. Let's go back to trauma processing. I know today's interview is more on sexual betrayal, trauma, but there's all types of trauma, right? Oh, my gosh, yeah. And this is something that I think, thankfully, is more coming to the forefront, although we're still very short on practitioners who can help with this. But I've had a couple different guests talk about trauma and trauma processing. So can you break down a couple of those you mentioned EMDR. And then you said subconscious.
Kylene Terhune 28:38
Subconscious reprogramming. Yeah, and then actually, it's very similar to EMDR. So let me start with EMDR. Because this is more common, when when we find a seat that you may find a CSAT, that has EMDR, that's going to be probably one of the most common pairings. So EMDR is basically you can use a light bar, you can use paddles in your in your hands that vibrate all alternating sides. It's stimulating both sides of the body in some way or fashion. And to connect your brain in a way that's using both sides of your brain. And so what this does is basically the processes, I like to paddle so I'll just use that as an example. You hold the paddles in your hand, you set the vibration pattern, and you start with a feeling of discomfort. So I'm triggered because I can't get over XYZ, excuse me, I have a have an image of this in my head. It's really bothering me. And it brings up anxiety in my chest. Okay, cool. We're gonna start there, have the paddles are going on. I close my eyes, literally, you just let your brain come up with where it wants to go. Based on the ceiling, you start there. And because it's connecting both of both sides of your brain, what it does is it begins filing it away. So what I've noticed that the EMDR is that it goes through this filing system of what emotions and experiences in life before this were similar or connected in some way. And so it pulls up Are these different memories and go, Oh my gosh, and then that kind of makes the connection oh my gosh, I never thought about that. And it starts connecting some dots for you in personal experiences, the thing that can happen with EMDR, you want to get to a point at the end of the session where you feel calm, and okay to let it go. Because occasionally, you know, if you're really in deep processing, your session may end and that's not the case. So it can be a really, really, really helpful tool, I found it to be very helpful. I used it a lot the first year a lot. But the idea is that you are helping your brain file away and organize the trauma experienced. So that holds less emotional charge. That's the idea that, that works very differently than talking about the trauma, because your brain doesn't connect, make all those connections the same way. So subconscious reprogramming works very similarly. And this is what I do with my betrayal client. It works similarly in connecting those dots. But what I like about it is that we go to the original, we asked the subconscious to take you back to the original event. So what I mean by that is, when I said EMDR kind of connects these dots of what felt the same between the ages of like zero and seven, we experience all these emotions for the first time, right? Anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt and shame. And that is kind of imprinted on our brain the first time it happened. So maybe you're reaching out for your dad to hold you at the grocery store or something. And he's busy, right? He's pushing the cart. And he says No, not right now. And you feel rejected? Oh, yeah. Okay, so three years old, that's the first time you felt rejected, that was like your dad's fault. And looking back at this, as an adult, you're like, Okay, you know, whatever. But in your childhood body, your nervous system registers registers that as rejection. And so then it creates this little bucket of rejection, that anything that feels like that in the future gets put into that bucket. And then you have this grouping of memories and events, and feelings all are sort of the same. They're listed as rejection. So when we are adults are kind of carrying all these buckets around with us. And it changes the filter that we view the world with. Because if you're having an interaction with someone as an adult, that triggers one of these buckets, that may not be realistic for the current situation, if we're pulling all this previous stuff with us, and we're interpreting it in a certain way based on that filter. So with subconscious reprogramming, we don't start with the current discomfort, we actually go to the original. So we can go to that original emotion event. And we just asked your brain basically to take us there. And it does, there's a there's a process to do this. But what we're doing is we're tapping into the subconscious, it guides the whole process, we're not forcing anything. And think about your subconscious is if it's not safe to bring it up and process it, it won't. So it will only bring up what it's ready to process. So it's a it's very important to kind of know that, you know, some people are afraid, tapping into the subconscious or dealing with trauma. So that's an important thing to know. But we go back to that. And then one thing that's different than the MDR is we pull positive learnings from it. So what is it from this event that you learn that you want to keep with you, that's a positive thing to take with you in life. So we pull out all of those. And that's actually a really cool experience, you want to talk about the nervous system, that is a very positive parasympathetic experience. It's really cool. It helps you feel more open and align. And it's a really cool process. So then you take all these positive learnings, you apply them to all the other experiences in life between that event and today. And you're able to come away from that experience of feeling lighter, feeling more grounded, feeling more alive, feeling more positive, feeling more hopeful. It's really, really, really cool. So different, but very similar in some ways, but very effective. We can do work similar to this to deal with the big emotions, like what I call the primary color. So anger, sadness, fear, the ones I mentioned earlier, we can do limiting beliefs. So like I mentioned earlier, we create beliefs based on events and experiences in our life. I'm not enough, I'm not worthy. I'm not pretty enough, this, you know, all these different things about who you are. So we can identify what those beliefs are, take some time I take time with my clients to figure out what replaces that, what do we want to replace that with? What's the new identity moving into the future, and we'll do exercises to replace those. And we can do it with conflicting parts too. So we have parts, they're all parts of us are trying to help us. So if even if you have anxiety, anxiety is trying to help you, right? It's trying to protect you as part of that nervous system that says this is danger. And I want to help you get to safety. And in order for you to do that. We need to kind of be aware that this is dangerous, right? Where this is uncomfortable. And I want you to be aware, you know, there's a lot of reasons that we have these emotions, but when we have emotions, they're serving you in some way. But it may be in conflict with another part. Part of me wants to do this, the part of me wants to do this right. And so we can actually integrate the parts with these exercises as well. that really brings you to the place where Oh, they both want the same thing. They're both trying to help me. And then it helps you feel more calm and make better decisions make clearer decisions, I guess I should say, I'm from athletes. So there's a lot that the subconscious reprogramming can do. And literally, we're just using your brain to do it. We don't use any external devices. We don't use any. It's not magic. It's literally just your brain. But it's incredibly effective.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 35:23
Beautiful. Yeah. Interesting. I hadn't heard about that one yet. So tell us how you work with clients. So how are you supporting women in their recovery journeys?
Kylene Terhune 35:33
Yeah, so I have several options. So one that I'm really excited about is called tar hope Alliance. This is a nonprofit that I started to offer scholarships to women to get the trauma therapy, what we do with our hope Alliance, is we pair them with a trauma therapist for six months, and pay for their trauma therapy. So you can go to tar hope Alliance dot work, and you can donate or if you're in Ohio, you can apply for that. There's such a need, right? The addiction in some aspects can cost a lot of money, my husband spent money on the addiction. So that was a ton of money. But other times, there's no money involved in the addiction itself. But there's a ton of money involved in the recovery. And the women are prioritizing their husband's recovery, and support group and therapy and all this kind of stuff. And you know, that cost a lot of money. So we just wanted to provide an options for anyone that's in financial need. And so right now we're based in Ohio, but we are looking to expand. So we want to if people have CSAT, or AP SATs or trauma therapists, that would be perfect for this we in other states, we want to know because we want to connect and interview them and create lists and partnerships and stuff like that. So we can help women outside of Ohio. But right now that's in Ohio. And then the way I work with women One on One is through the Phoenix transformation project. And this is a four month intensive course, where they have weekly coaching sessions with me. And this is where we're going to do all of the intense trauma work. So we do all the emotional processing and the trauma processing in those sessions. And then there are online modules that assist them in the education part of you know, what, understanding how their nervous system works, understanding the subconscious mind, there's a physical health module, things like that. So I can't totally erase my functional medicine, gut health background that's in there. So. So this is a four month intensive, where I send them a neurotransmitter panel, we look at their brain chemistry, because there's so much anxiety and depression involved, we want to get that from multiple angles, I want to be able to support their brain chemistry physically, I want to help them learn how to support their nervous system. And then I want to do all of the subconscious reprogramming and trauma work to help them actually release everything that is causing so much emotional weight in their body. So that's kind of the Phoenix transformation. One on One involves all those aspects, the physical, mental, and emotional there. And then I just released a course called What's next for the women who just discovered the betrayal. And this is really everything you need to know for the first three to six months. So who the heck do I reach out to like you were saying, like, what providers are going to be those health wise, I teach you what to look for who in your support circle is going to be safe for you to talk to kind of walk you through deciding that I help you understand about trauma, I have a whole module on understanding the addict brain, because I think understanding the addiction side of it is really important, because it does allow us to have empathy and compassion without excusing the behavior. And so I think that's really important as well. So what's next is available, I'm in sort of a DIY you it sets you up with all the information that you need to kind of get started on your journey. And then I have them more intense for women that are a little bit further along in their journey. They're really ready to take that next step. They're really ready to process the trauma and move forward in the recovery. And that's kind of the Phoenix transformation one on one.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 38:53
Awesome, great resources. Two more questions. Well, actually, three more questions. So what ultimately I mean, you, you've summed a lot up in this interview, but what is your primary message through, you know, your journey? And through all these courses? Why don't you created what's the biggest message that you're hoping to share through all this?
Kylene Terhune 39:12
Yeah, I think I want to share the recovery as possible. So like I mentioned, for the addict, recovery is no is absolutely possible. If there's a heart paired with the resources, you're good to go. And for the betrayed partner, again, recovery is possible. And the thing about this is recovery is possible when you have a partner that's willing to do the work. And recovery is possible when you separate and you are willing to do work. So either way you can recover. What I find very difficult is when one partner is doing the work and the other and that is going to constantly stunt your growth. You may be able to work on some of your limiting beliefs, you may be able to build some self confidence you may be able to do but if your partner is constantly blowing up your foundation of safety, you're not going to reach that ultimate pinnacle of recovery because your brain will simply not allow It's physiologically impossible for your brain and nervous system to fully recover and get into a true deep recovery with grounding and safety and joy and peace when your environment is not safe. So when there's a part when there are two partners that are willing to recover, awesome, that's the best case scenario, right. And then if you do separate, I just encourage the women to pursue the healing anyway, because if this is unhealed, and there, there are things kind of changing around, you're going to take that into light, but that we talked about those filters, you're walking through the betrayal filter now, and you're going to every interaction you have, every future relationship you have is going to be based on that. But there is a clear path to healing. And when you're willing to process the trauma and do the work, it's totally possible.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 40:45
Mike drop, yay.
So tell us Lastly, where can listeners find you? So obviously, the Phoenix transformation project, right?
Kylene Terhune 40:53
Yeah. So Instagram, tik, Tok, Kylene, Terhune, just my name. And then if you want to connect on Facebook, it is a private Facebook group called recover you just the letter, you recovering the letter U. And so those are the three places you can connect. I have links, like in my bios and stuff where you can book a call, if you're interested in doing that. And yeah,
Dr. Stephanie Gray 41:14
I do check out her social media because I know you've basically this is kind of how I found out about this journey you're on was through your social media. I thought, holy cow, this girl's gone through so much right now, which is why I also think you will eventually write another book. She's gonna be amazing. Oh, you have to you have to. But yes, please check out her social media, because there's a lot a lot of information there as well. And then as you know, because you've been on the show before, I always conclude each episode asking my listeners their top longevity tip. So I don't remember what you said before. But what do you say this time?
Kylene Terhune 41:46
Yeah, would it be different? Wow, I think I feel like I'm harping on it on this episode. But you know, I've learned so much about trauma and emotional processing. I am truly convinced that when you have stuck emotions in the body, over time, they develop into symptoms and disease. And they show up in so many different ways for so many different people, whether it's fatigue, or anxiety or depression. And that's the thing too, about having a physical aspect that's very unique to the betrayal, trauma coaching that I do having that physical support, because if you go to therapy, or you go to betrayal, trauma coaching, you know, they don't have the functional medicine background to be bringing in the physical sport. But the reality is that when you're dealing with trauma like this, you're probably also dealing with painful periods, and digestive issues, and you know, headaches, and all these things that kind of come because of the tremendous amount of stress. And then over time, you know, that that can just be you're living up in the sympathetic, and it's causing all these problems, like we talked about earlier. But over time, and I mean, years and decades, when you and you see this, when people are carrying around unprocessed and stuck trauma, it's going to impact you on a deeper level. And so, longevity wise and optimal health wise, processing that and being willing and honest enough with yourself to say yeah, I've been through some stuff that I need to process, I think is absolutely huge. And then finding the right practitioner that you trust, because I mean, during this process, it is a vulnerable one. And so you really want to work with someone that you that you trust that you feel safe with.
Dr. Stephanie Gray 43:16
Beautiful, beautiful. Well, thank you so much today for coming again on the show. We've had very few guests on more than once. So I'm honored and just sharing this specific type of trauma and then how you really can just help men and women through their healing journeys. This was wonderful. And I think this is something that isn't often talked about. And so I'm just delighted that you're bringing more awareness to this and providing some resources and again, for the listeners. I'll get links and post all these in the show notes. So please connect with Kylene if you are in need thanks again. Wow, what a story I'm honored she has again shared such a personal experience to the benefit of others. She wants you to heal from your trauma. And finally, we have resources to help. I can't echo how much I agree with her that community is the opposite of addiction. So get connected into a support group. Please check out the links I'll post in the show notes to find a CSAT certified practitioner, or book a call with Kylene. To find out what your next steps can be. Recovery is possible. Be sure to check out my book your longevity blueprint. And if you aren't much of a reader, you're in luck, you can now take my course online where I walk you through each chapter in the book. Plus for a limited time the course is 50% off, check this offer out at your longevity blueprint.com and click the Course tab. One of the biggest things you can do to support the show and help us reach more listeners is to subscribe to the show. Leave us a rating and review on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. I do read all the reviews and would truly love to hear your suggestions for show topics guests and for how you're applying what you learn on the show to create your own longevity blueprint. This podcast is produced by Team podcast. Thank you so much for listening and remember, wellness is waiting All the information provided in this podcast is educational no information provided should be considered to be or used as a substitute for medical advice diagnosis or treatment always consult with your personal medical authority
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